Tangent?

Ever since I was little, I thought that I understood the concept of not knowing what the rest of a person's life holds. I thought that I knew it was okay to not have a career set in stone during college, that it would be okay to change majors. I thought that I was comfortable with this.

I was wrong.

When I was really little, I wanted to grow up to be a princess. I remember going through the tunnel on the way to Vegas, holding my breath and wishing for such. For a long time after that, I wanted to be a teacher. When I realized that I don't have the patience and the fact that I would be in school forever, I changed my mind. That and I couldn't decide what topic to teach.

In seventh grade I learned about FIDM, and I fell in love with the concept. Art AND a solid career? Score! At first I wanted to do interior design, then after visiting the school I changed my mind to fashion. I don't think this comforted my parents much; the school is expensive and to not know exactly for a fact what you want, it's not really worth the tuition.

I don't know when and I don't know why, but for some reason at some point I decided that I wanted to own my own business. I didn't know what it would be or how I would do it, I just wanted to. Throughout the years it has been a fashion boutique, a restaraunt, an interior design company, a hotel and probably even more that I can't remember.

I also went through a point in time where I couldn't stand the thought of having a family, I didn't want to get married nor did I want children; then I decided I did want a family, but I wouldn't stay at home with them I would be a working mom. I also had a period where all I wanted was to be a stay at home mom. I went back and forth, and still do so now.

Over anything and everything else, I wanted to be successful. To this day, I don't really know what I meant by that... what is successful? A career? A family? Friends? Fun? All of the above, I guess. But how? Does anyone truely succeed in everything? No. So what do I want? I don't really know.

I'm waiting anxiously to hear back from UNLV. Did I get accepted or not? What the heck takes so long to decide?! I'm going to get my degree in hotel and lodging. Do I really want this? As of right now, I'm not so sure. I love the idea of owning my own hotel and I love working in the hotel industry, there's no doubt in my mind about that. But this degree is so limited. What happens if I can't find work? A business degree goes in so many directions and covers so many aspects! It's not that I don't want to get my degree in hotel and lodging, it's the simple fact that I'm scared of its limitations.

Also, I know that it's just a fact of life, but why do I have to pick one career to stick to for the rest of my life? I like change, I like the idea of being able to go from hotel manager to waitress to author to teacher... but that's just not realistic, is it? When I think of doing the same thing over and over and over again every single day for the rest of my life after college, it makes me bored.

Anyway, this is not the way I had meant for this blog to go. I planned on talking about my goals in life and making an updated list; instead my brain went on a rant about success, and I can't even get those thoughts out right. I'm confused on what my opinion of success really is, that's all I really meant by any of this. I can't stand the thought of not being happy in life, so I keep thinking that if I'm not successful I won't be. But what is it that I want to succeed in? I guess I just feel like I'm wasting my time. Every day I get up to do what needs to be done, but every day it's the same.

And there I go again. Off on another rant about something I didn't even know I was thinking about. I don't even know if I'm going to post this blog, it seems so depressing. I'm not sad, I just am trying to figure things out.

My brain won't stop going off in odd directions that keep leading to one fact, so I guess my blog post about life goals is going to have to wait for a later date when I'm not so think-y. :P